My best friend took me to this secret cave a couple of months ago. During our trek to the cave, we came across what she told me were Death Lilies. On our way back to the car, she dug up a little Death Lily plant and gave it to me. I took it home and I’ve been keeping a close eye on it since.

I was a bit sad a couple of weeks cause I noticed it had withered. I went outside just then to check it and to my surprise it has come to life.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself and realise just how much the lily represented this current chapter of my life.

I was completely lost after coming back from that U.S roadtrip. I thought I had it all planned out but turns out I didn’t. Or maybe I did but I needed a shift in attitude and perspective. After all when I looked at it from an outsiders perspective, everything seemed to be working out.

Two things I need to remember:

1. Patience

2. Discipline

I recieved this super sweet message the other night. It’s got me thinking about how people percieve you in a certain light. It made me laugh at how someone could think I’d have it so together. I’m not sure what it would be to give that indication. I can sort of come up with a small list on why or what it could be.

I guess externally everything is all well and good. I can see that myself. But my mind is… somewhere else.

The most lost I’ve ever felt is when I’ve been at a crossroads. But right now, I’m so lost I find myself asking questions like who am I? What makes me happy?

I’m a bit unsure at the moment on what I want to do in life or what makes me happy apart from family and nature. Music would usually be in that list too but I despise it right now. That’s a first and a good indication that something is not right.

I’ve been planning to get away the last few days. Thinking about going on a roadtrip up north next weekend. Except I don’t even know what I’m trying to get away from. I sort of just feel like being alone in nature.

I look at my life from an outsiders perspective and I think yeah everything is good. But my mind is in such a dark place, it’s like none of that stuff really matters, whether they were good or bad, it doesn’t change what’s going on in my mind.

I just want it to go away. Like, right now if there is actually one thing that’s keeping me alive — it’s the will to get through this. 

Sometimes you have to go back to the basics. It’s better to take on a task when you’re at you’re best.

I’ve been paying close attention to my reactions the past couple of weeks especially because I haven’t been putting much time towards breathing and stretching, my diet and exercise.

Today I decided I need to go back to the basics. My body and my mind just feels so… I’m not sure but I don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t feel like me.

Today I won’t put so much pressure or stress on myself. I need to tell myself it’s ok if today isn’t going to be all that productive. I think I just want to spend the majority of today catching up on yoga, and breathing.

I think what’s cool is I played this beat to my 17 year old brother and he would always be like yeah you’ve played this one to me before. Hahaha. And because I don’t update my family or anyone for that matter with what I do with my music, I showed my brother this video and he was like wow, that’s so cool. When ZVNE showed me this, it was one of the best and humbling feelings in the world. The full version of the track has Mel Jackson in the track who I really want to work with in the near future. I’m always working on new material. I’m currently trying to finish all my unfinished beats on my laptop so I can put together enough material to start playing gigs. Getting there ever so slowly…