First day of November. You know what? Mercury Retrograde is for real. Do you know how much miscommunication has occured between myself and friends in the past week or so? Um… A LOT.
It’s almost that time of the month for me and I’ve been feeling so mentally exhausted due to all the miscommunication and just work being so unpredictable.
So, there’s this girl that I’m really into at the moment and things are already complicated and I’m not sure if I’m being tested on whether I should be realistic about the possibility of us having a compatible relationship. We are definitely compatible but there are some big buts. OR if the real test is if we do end up being in a relationship and I’ve learnt my lesson i.e I find myself asking if I’m secure enough this time that I’m not going to be angry or jealous 24/7, or that I will at least be more rational in my way of thinking.
I asked a friend for advice on whether I should just go for it and ask her to hang out with me or if I should just move on. She asked me, why do you need to move on? Just ask to hang out with her. (We have hang out plenty of times but never just us two, it’s always with friends). I told my friend well the problem is I heard her sister is a little homophobic and her parents are Christians. My friend replied, “Is it a problem? I don’t think so?!” My friend is Korean so I was a little shocked by her response but she has spent the couple of years in Canada and Australia and she’s totally cool with it. I then explained to her, well, the thing is I really do like her, and that’s ok but it’ll be a problem if she likes me back because she’ll have her family to deal with.
Because I know how much this stressed out my ex, I don’t want to put Carol (that’s her name) through the same stress.
But I think with my ex, the stress was coming from the pressure I put on her about her sexuality and what we’d do about our relationship at the time. Instead of allowing my ex to do things when she’s ready, instead of allowing her to go at her own pace, I kept pressuring her. Why I pressured her, I don’t know, there’s several factors like for one I was really insecure at the time and always thought my ex would cheat on me for some odd reason. But that’s just irrational thinking and behaviour stemming from… who knows?
So, do you see what I mean by the real test? I don’t know what the real test is but I know whatever it is I’ve learnt my lesson.
I really enjoy being around C (just going to refer her by the first letter of her name). feel at ease around her. I don’t necessarily feel happy but I feel comfortable around her. And I think she can read me well. Some of the things I like about her like for example is she’s a great listener and remembers things I say, she makes me feel calm and relaxed, recently I’ve been hanging out with just Hong Kongnese friends… is that the correct term? Because C is from Hong Kong. Anyway, I like that she tries her best make me feel part of the group and I like that her best friend does it also. Her best friend and myself work together and we’re pretty close at work and spend time together frequently at work and outside of work. And whilst C’s sister might be homophobic (she has no idea of my sexuality, I think), we actually get along quite well and have a good time together.
The craziest thing about C is that she came to Australia with her boyfriend last year. They have broken up. She spoke a bit about the story and how they broke up. Apparently he was angry all the time which caused them to argue more frequently when they came here and two weeks after being in Australia, he packed his bags and just decided to go back to Hong Kong. She went back to Hong Kong with him to make sure he really wanted to end it and then came back here with her sister. When she said she helped her ex pack his bags, it brought me back to when I was in Korea and how things just turned so sour. Suddenly I realised how much packing my bags would have hurt my ex. But I also understand how so much anger can cause someone to behave irrationally. That’s basic psychology right there. I’m not trying to justify my actions but I’m just saying that I understand both sides and while I may not have experienced the same pain as watching my partner pack their bags, I wouldn’t have packed my bags if I was happy. I always told my ex, I don’t think you’re happy. Maybe she was, maybe she wasn’t but I know that I wasn’t happy anymore. I wasn’t happy with a lot of things at the time, not just the relationship but I really really really felt like I had nothing to live for but what’s worse than that was also feeling like there was nothing to die for. I mean I was meant to be on anti-depressants, I was just so fucking depressed. I felt so worn out.
That’s why I took up yoga and meditation, started reading more books, went back to uni to study counselling, started taking care of myself again. I always knew this year would be a foundational year. To go back to the basics. To start again.
There is also the lingering feeling of guilt at times. That maybe perhaps I want to feel justified or make myself feel better by doing the right thing if the girl I like and I become “a thing”. But I don’t think that’s the case.
A friend had asked me that if my ex asked for us to get back together, would I say yes. I told her, well, I don’t think she will ever ask even if she wanted to get back together.
I thought about it a lot though. I really wouldn’t know my answer until it happens. Because the thing is a lot has changed for me over the past year. I know that I definitely have feelings for C. And I wouldn’t go as far to say that I miss my ex but I would say there’s parts of me that definitely still cares for her and her wellbeing. But maybe that’s part of the healing process.
The new girl I’m into is very similar to my ex. I’ve thought about this a lot too. Maybe I’ve discovered my type or I unknowingly miss my ex or I have unresolved childhood trauma that’s still affecting my adulthood. Whatever it is, I’m ok with it. This is all just part and parcel…?