You know I never understood why people say, “I feel so lonely, I want a boyfriend/girlfriend.” As if that were the answer or the solution to ones’ loneliness.

I think ‘learning’ how to be single and coping being single is just as vital and essential to personal growth as being in a relationship is.

People don’t get just how difficult relationships are and that being single is so much easier than having a significant other.

I’ve recently entered a relationship and while I have the utmost adoration for my other half, better half, I should say; being single for the last 3 years and entering this commitment have me realise just how difficult relationships can get. Keyword: can get. My current relationship is far from difficult as we’re still very much in the honeymoon phase but off course I know that doesn’t last and what happens after that phase is something I fear a little.

For so long I didn’t have to worry about anyone elses’ wellbeing and happiness apart from my own. But I’m glad I took those 3 years to heal and dug deeper into my own internal conflicts, or did I is the question. Yes, I think I worked on myself and I’m a lot wiser than I was since my last relationship but I have several unresolved internal issues I couldn’t look into because these issues are only things I can look into whilst being in a relationship.

Although the relationship is so fresh, I’ve learnt a lot about myself and the way I function being in a relationship.

Just thank God for old flames, previous relationships, whatever you wanna call it because now I have more self awareness of my irrational behaviour.

The other day I Googled ‘how to be more rational’. For some reason, when I’m in a relationship I tend think things through with an emotional mind rather than a rational mind.

I felt fear and doubts creep their way into my mind and it bothered me a lot and I’ve been meaning to dissect and delve into the reasons why different things bother me and why different things trigger different emotions.

You know it’s crazy ’cause your previous relationships always set this kind of template for your next or current relationship. And whatever went wrong in that relationship, you sort of always have this fear.

Like for an example in your previous relationship, your partner at the time was behaving a certain way or maybe it was something they did or said which had a certain negative effect or outcome on the relationship for whatever reason, and when you see that same behaviour in your current relationship, you start to have these doubts even though you know that the current relationship is different, it’s a totally new relationship but you can’t help but think that way. I guess it’s just part and parcel of human behaviour.

This is why I’m trying to be more rational these days, not just within my relationship but outside of it too. Because I know I need to let go of biases and emotions in order to really let my walls down.

And plus it wouldn’t be fair on my partner if I was half assed in love. You have to go all in when it comes to love, you have to gamble, you have to take the risk and then you just hope for the best. The thing is you never really know where love will take you but you have to let it take over you.

“I want you, I don’t know if I need you but I’d die to find out.” 

Fucking Savage Garden.

She will probably break my heart. But I shouldn’t think that far ahead. But if it does come to that, I will always know what to do. Always.