I recieved this super sweet message the other night. It’s got me thinking about how people percieve you in a certain light. It made me laugh at how someone could think I’d have it so together. I’m not sure what it would be to give that indication. I can sort of come up with a small list on why or what it could be.

I guess externally everything is all well and good. I can see that myself. But my mind is… somewhere else.

The most lost I’ve ever felt is when I’ve been at a crossroads. But right now, I’m so lost I find myself asking questions like who am I? What makes me happy?

I’m a bit unsure at the moment on what I want to do in life or what makes me happy apart from family and nature. Music would usually be in that list too but I despise it right now. That’s a first and a good indication that something is not right.

I’ve been planning to get away the last few days. Thinking about going on a roadtrip up north next weekend. Except I don’t even know what I’m trying to get away from. I sort of just feel like being alone in nature.

I look at my life from an outsiders perspective and I think yeah everything is good. But my mind is in such a dark place, it’s like none of that stuff really matters, whether they were good or bad, it doesn’t change what’s going on in my mind.

I just want it to go away. Like, right now if there is actually one thing that’s keeping me alive — it’s the will to get through this. 

Sometimes you have to go back to the basics. It’s better to take on a task when you’re at you’re best.

I’ve been paying close attention to my reactions the past couple of weeks especially because I haven’t been putting much time towards breathing and stretching, my diet and exercise.

Today I decided I need to go back to the basics. My body and my mind just feels so… I’m not sure but I don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t feel like me.

Today I won’t put so much pressure or stress on myself. I need to tell myself it’s ok if today isn’t going to be all that productive. I think I just want to spend the majority of today catching up on yoga, and breathing.

I think what’s cool is I played this beat to my 17 year old brother and he would always be like yeah you’ve played this one to me before. Hahaha. And because I don’t update my family or anyone for that matter with what I do with my music, I showed my brother this video and he was like wow, that’s so cool. When ZVNE showed me this, it was one of the best and humbling feelings in the world. The full version of the track has Mel Jackson in the track who I really want to work with in the near future. I’m always working on new material. I’m currently trying to finish all my unfinished beats on my laptop so I can put together enough material to start playing gigs. Getting there ever so slowly…

I still love this so much. I need to hear more of this kid.

Flamethrower.

I love this tune so much. It’s just so wrong in all the right ways. And I don’t know much about the singer other than the fact that she’s only 15 and something about GLEE? But she’s totally made for the big stage. Ready made star.

It’s been a while since I’ve actually posted one of these.

Well, first of all I’m pretty content with where I am right now. I feel like I’m definitely getting better at this whole “balance” thing in life. Something which has always been important to me.

The weekend, as usual, always an interesting one. Obviously there are things on here I can’t share but goddamn it I should start writing those ‘Tales from the Pyramids’ again for my close friends to read because the chaos is never ending. I have some epic stories to share.

I got to spend yesterday at the zoo with the family which believe or not is actually the highlight of my weekend. I recently posted on IG that even amongst all the choas, nothing beats spending time with those you dearly love. It’s true. Even with all the craziness (and crazies), the people I love are home.

(This post is probably gonna be all over the place… like, I should have probably mentioned this at the start.)

It’s only 37 more sleeps til we fly outta the country. I’m beyond excited. I can’t believe how quick it’s gone. We recently booked our tickets from LA to San Diego… we’re starting in San Diego now!

My best friend recently got engaged (I’m kinda supposed to keep this on the down low but I’m sort of assuming no one really comes here?) Anyway, she asked me to be one of her bridesmaids which I’m also beyond excited about. But I’m just truly, truly happy for her.

Today, my friend and I smashed out our workout session. We have been doing these stairs which if you jog it, takes 2 minutes (that’s going up then down). We had been aiming to do 30 in an hour but we did it in 58 minutes today. Killer!

Also, you know how I said I’d start practicing the whole gratitude thing again by writing down 3 things I’m grateful for every night?! Well, I’m nearly 2 months into it.

Anyway, I’m getting real zzzpy! So, I’m going to leave this here. Now that I think about it. I think I’m more than content with where I am right now. I’m excited (for the things I’ve got planned and all the things that have yet to unfold). And I can really say that, right now, I’m happy.