I honestly knew she was going to say “marrying yourself.” Come to think of it, I probably married myself a long time ago. Not that I enjoy how I feel inside at this point of my life but more so, I accept this phase of my life.
I’ve said it time and time again to single people who tell me, “I’m scared to be alone.” “I’m scared of being lonely.” Like whyyyyy?
Well, it is honestly one way to look at it. But I call it solitude which to me is a period of self discovery. You have to know yourself. You have to understand yourself. You have to understand what triggers you. You have to build yourself. And you have to practice self acceptance and self love. You have to know how to be by yourself to really enjoy true companionship. And I’ve come to realise that instead of asking “WHY” which is actually my favorite question in the entire universe haha… you have to ask yourself “HOW”. So instead of being like, well why do I feel this way? Why am I triggered by that? Instead it should be, “How can I overcome feeling this way?” “How can I overcome the things that trigger me?” Because asking “why” is about finding reasons where as asking “how” finds a solution.
The idea of love being .5 + .5 = 1 is not completely wrong but a person who isn’t complete shouldn’t give another person the burden to complete them. It should be our own doing to complete ourselves. Besides you don’t want to love half of a person, you want to love them as a complete person. Anyway that’s old news, most are aware of this.
Back to what I was trying to say… how we treat the people we love is a reflection of how we treat ourselves. Therefore a person with a low self esteem or very little self love can only project the same amount of love to another person. If you only love parts of yourself, you will only love parts of another person. If you love yourself fully, you can love another person fully. Flaws and all… yep.
So, what is self love then? Self love is not about feeling good. Self love is knowing and understanding what is good for you psychologically, physically and spiritually.
Self love is about mindfullness, self kindness, common humanity etc etc etc.
Years ago (speaking 24-26) I was the most confident I had ever been, the happiest I’d ever been. I was healthy (from eating healthy and regular exercise and good sleeping patterns). I was setting goals for myself – creative goals, financial goals, travel goals. I felt good about myself, I felt good within myself and I felt good about my body. I knew my boundaries. I was disciplined. I was grateful (hell, I was writing down 3 things I was grateful for every fucking day during those happy years). I was caring, I was compassionate, I was driven, motivated. Blah blah blah. All good things that are not present in my life… right now. And I just wanna say – the law of attraction is fucking real maaaan. Whatever you project out into the universe, you get that shit back. If you project out the good, you get good. Whatever you manifest you will get back.
Ugh. But that person is so yesterday. I look back and constantly wish to be that person again but I have so much work to do. So many bad habits to let go of. I have SO SO SO soooo fucking much to do before I am close to being the person I used to be. But having the self awareness helps. It really does. It’s just a matter of being disciplined enough and pushing myself enough that I get there. And I’m very determined to get there. Who doesn’t want to be happy anyway? And I don’t know where it all went wrong for me. All I remember is coming back from an American trip, and feeling so lost in life. That was the turning point for me. And I don’t even know what had happened. Actually all I remember is when I came back from that American trip I tried so hard to hone on my music but creatively speaking I hit a wall. My confidence went away. Doubts crept in. I also didn’t want to go back to the same jobs I was so over with. I felt so lost. It was like mid-quarter life crisis of “what the fuck am I doing with my life again?” And I didn’t have the answers and it all went south from that point on. And then I decided to get into a relationship, and after I failed in that relationship, well that just set me back even further to my persuit of self love. That was a fucking epic year though looking back. But it was like the best year of my life turned out to be a foundation of the next few years to come… shitty times internally… feeling like shit within myself.
Ah, gosh and I miss doing so much for my family without feeling like they’re stressing me out. I miss being the one that my friends can come to and say hey, I need your energy cause you make me feel better. But before I can even be that person again, I really have to work on myself.
I accept that this is life. It’s a rollercoaster, sometimes you have your shit together, sometimes you don’t. Everything is temporary. Like I said in a previous post, perception is everything. Things may seem shit because you feel like shit inside but things really aren’t that shit. It’s your thoughts and your thinking habits that makes things shit. Like Einstein said “Worry is a misuse of the imagination.”
Anyway, I have a lot of internal work to do. Right now is a good time to work on a solid foundation, one that is going to be a lot stronger than before. I will get there. Actually not “there”. Because reminder to myself – “there” doesn’t exist. I am “here” and I am already building that foundation actually.