“We are frequently the very last people to know what is at work within ‘us’. We pay a very high price for our self-ignorance. Feelings and desires that haven’t been examined linger and distribute their energy randomly across our lives.”
Well, this is just so fucking spot on.
I don’t know when or who it was that taught me about “things that trigger emotional responses within us.”
I’ve got an example from one of my very own personal experience.
Not so often but usually when I hear disgusting stories about horrible men, I find myself saying “Men are such pigs.”, “Men are fucking disgusting.” Something along those lines.
I actually don’t think men are disgusting or men are pigs. Well, at least not every single one I’ve encountered in my lifetime because I, myself, have/had male friends who I obviously think are great. But I know that when I say such things about men, it is coming from a place of trauma, resentment and humiliation. Having said that, men who are just assholes… well I think they’re just assholes, there’s not much else to that. And sadly enough, assholes (of both sexes) do exist.
Usually when I hear harassment stories which include a male, I often get triggered. I tend to view authorative males or males with an authorative personality as “the pigs”. Again – that is due from a horrible past experience.
Another example is the constant jealousy I felt in my most recent relationship. The craziest thing is that while I did have feelings of jealousy in all my previous relationships – it wasn’t constant like the jealousy I felt in my last relationship.
Anyway, the whole point of these examples is if you don’t examine the root of your emotions and emotional responses especially if you’re reacting negatively, chances are there’s an underlying issue as to why you’re reacting in a negative way. Everyone can be a little passive aggressive in the sense where we say something but our convictions and what we really mean to say is the total opposite.
I think the solution to this problem is to be able to be vulnerable with people close to you and have open, honest communications where you’re not being judged for what might look like flaws but to try and understand each other in a compassionate, neutral way.
How to communicate: Ah, I understand now why you act this way when it comes to this situation because of something that happened in the past and it brings back a baggage of emotion. Well, with this awareness, I will be of more sympathy and less judgemental when you act this way. However I do want to help you in whatever way I can and support you in getting through it so that we are able to have a more healthier relationship. However, while I’m sure you know that I don’t ill-intentionally do what I do to cause a negative reaction out of you, I will try my best to reassure you that you can trust me.”
But hey, it goes back to that saying… We live at our own level of awareness.