…we don’t fall in love first and foremost with those who care for us best and most devotedly; we fall in love with those who care for us in ways that we expect. Adult love emerges from a template of how we should be loved that was created in childhood and is likely to be connected to a range of problematic compulsions that militate in key ways against our chances of growth… what motivates us in relationships is a search for familiarity…

The School of Life

I’m going to quote the rest of what was written in the book:

…and what is familiar is not restricted to comfort, reassurance and tenderness; it may include feelings of abandonment, humiliation and neglect, which can form part of the list of paradoxical ingredients we need to refind in adult love.

The School of Life

Oh, this is so well written.

Because the thing is — all we know at the present time is literally all we know.

I always tell my sister, well, you know my ideology of love was ruined a long time ago.

Infidelity has been around me since the day I was born practically and usually one of the very first things I make known to a partner or a potential partner is I would not tolerate cheating. For me, that is the biggest form of betrayal.

Others can tolerate it but I can’t. Not only would it make me feel so inadequte and humiliated, infidelity was ultimately the thing that ruined my ideologies of love.

Anyway, I think the book makes an interesting point when it talks familiarity when it comes to abandonment, humiliation and neglect.

You ever heard of those people who constantly end up with a new partner that was pretty much like their previous partner? And they experience the same issues and you would think they would learn from the first partner to avoid that kind of person but nope… they constantly end up with… well, they end up with what feels familiar really and underneath it all, they are probably hoping that someone will eventually change everything about that situation.