So, I tried the whole negative visualisation thing today. It kinda worked. Like, I knew I had to deal with some bullshit today but to actually stop myself reacting in a negative way is really hard. The ego is strong, man. And it constantly wants you to feed it. And I think especially now at a time in my life where I’m like, no, no I refuse to give you what you want. Not that I reacted in a really bad way to anything today, but looking back on it now there were definitely moments throughout the day where I can say, yeah that was my ego. I think the biggest thing I learned today is not to get so fixated on the outcome of something. I find myself at this point asking, well, how “bad” was the actual outcome and the answer is — not so bad.
As I progress through this level of the course, I intend to practice being mindful and refrain from judging myself or others.
I am willing to let go of the past and be humble enough to let things be different now.
Did you respond rather than react?
There were moments throughout the day where I responded and reacted. However my mum and my sister probably copped my reactions more than anything. My sister called me and my ego was so hurt from the outcome of something that I was literally blaming others for the way I feel but it’s like… well how I emotionally react to something is my own doing. No one but myself can make me feel the way that I feel. Besides when people express themselves through words or actions, it’s mostly just projection.
Did you communicate authentically rather than defend and attack?
A bit of both but when I got home today from work, my mum was like what’s going on with your sister and I was like… I don’t know but it wasn’t in the nicest tone of voice. I just needed a bit of space, I just wanted to eat lunch and have a bit of peace to myself. I just wanted to say like can you give me a bit of space please, I don’t feel like talking right now as I’m trying to get rid of the frustrations that I feel inside. I didn’t say those things obviously. But I think my mum was able to see that I just needed a bit of space.
Did you acknowledge your uniqueness rather than compare yourself with others?
Did you focus on who you are becoming rather than dwell on the past?
I spent way too much time today dwelling on the past.
Did you remain generous with yourself rather and others rather than being critical and stingy?
I was very critical today.
Did you remain open and receptive rather than push, dominate and manipulate to gain control?
I was not open or receptive today. It was a really really difficult day today.
Did you remain mindful rather than unconscious?
Did you remain responsible rather than blame or deny?
I blamed and denied a bunch of shit today.
Did you remain humble rather than judgemental or righteous?
Oh, I was fucking judgemental and righteous today.
Make a note in your journal of what you specifically don’t like about yourself in each of the following areas:
Appearance – your body or sense of aesthetic
Performance – your ability to produce results and achieve your goals
Contribution – your ability to have impact and make a difference
Creativity – your ability to be imaginative and inventive
Individuality – your ability to value your essence and acknowledge your uniqueness
Love – your ability to love and be loved
Sensitivity – your ability to be kind, caring and compassionate
Intuition – your ability to be wise, perceptive and intuitive
Respond to the following:
1. My Achilles Heel is my negative ego
Take a few quiet moments to muster your compassion and acknowledge how your self criticism makes you feel.
2. What parts of myself am I now pledging to accept?
I am pledging to accept that while I may not be where I’d like to be, I strive to do better and be better.
3. Where am I coming from and which part of me drives my choices and actions?
I’m coming from my Authentic Self. I will keep confronting myself and keep calling out my own bullshit. I’m so fucking determined to get better. I will bridge the gap between who I am right now and who I want to be. I will work so hard to get there.