The last day of Level 1. I didn’t do the whole “negative visualisation” practice this morning — I’m running on 4 hours sleep today. Today was a mixed bag — there were times when I gave a fuck about nothing and times when I didn’t give a fuck about anything. The latter definitely feels better. Since this is the last day for level 1, I wanna be as confronting as possible. I’m going to talk less about the positives but more on the negatives in this post. Here we go…
As I progress through this level of the course, I intend to practice being mindful and refrain from judging myself or others.
I am willing to let go of the past and be humble enough to let things be different now.
Did you respond rather than react?
I reacted in the sense that I said petty shit to make myself feel better about myself. It’s an ego thing. I think the worst thing about it is even if I know deep inside or in my head, and that I have the awareness that I’ll be choosing to react rather than respond — I still do it anyway. And I never end up feeling better about myself. It just makes me feel like shit. You know, people subconsciouly stroke their own egos unknowingly. I’m glad that I at least have the self awareness and willing to improve on this.
Did you communicate authentically rather than defend and attack?I defended and attack. As mentioned above – I said some petty shit about a co-worker. Well, it’s not that I said petty shit about a co-worker but I’m always referring to her as “my best friend” to avoid saying her name. And to obviously take the piss.
Did you acknowledge your uniqueness rather than compare yourself with others?
There were times when I compared myself with others. I was barely present today. I don’t think it was a lack of sleep which is self conflicted like that’s my fault I didn’t sleep early enough last night.
Did you focus on who you are becoming rather than dwell on the past?
Hmm… not sure where my mind was today. Actually I remember now. Oh, I was thinking terrible things today and then I was also thinking about what I was going to do after work. I really was not present today apart from a few moments.
Did you remain generous with yourself rather and others rather than being critical and stingy?
I was generous externally majority of today but internally like mind-wise, I probably shouldn’t have thought some of the things I thought about.
Did you remain open and receptive rather than push, dominate and manipulate to gain control?
Did you remain mindful rather than unconscious?
I was unconscious as fuck today. I need to meditate after this and get back down to earth.
Did you remain responsible rather than blame or deny?
My thoughts alone are bad enough for me. Although I didn’t actively blame or deny, I don’t like having the thoughts in my head. Like, today at work, I didn’t like thinking oh it’s that persons fault. I didn’t express it but I don’t like thinking about it. Mind you, I wasn’t actually that bad today.
Did you remain humble rather than judgemental or righteous?
I was judgemental.
Make a note in your journal of what you specifically don’t like about yourself in each of the following areas:
Appearance – your body or sense of aesthetic
The pimple on my chin
Performance – your ability to produce results and achieve your goals
Contribution – your ability to have impact and make a difference
I tried to make a difference today whenever possible.
Creativity – your ability to be imaginative and inventive
Individuality – your ability to value your essence and acknowledge your uniqueness
Love – your ability to love and be loved
Sensitivity – your ability to be kind, caring and compassionate
Well, this was one thing I actively did well today was that I was compassionate and caring.
Intuition – your ability to be wise, perceptive and intuitive
Respond to the following:
1. My Achilles Heel is my negative ego
Take a few quiet moments to muster your compassion and acknowledge how your self criticism makes you feel.
2. What parts of myself am I now pledging to accept?
I am pledging to accept the present.
3. Where am I coming from and which part of me drives my choices and actions?
I’m coming from my Authentic Self in the way that I know I was pretty ego driven today. But I have the awareness and with this awareness, I can keep working on keeping the Ego at bay.