15.11.19

Well, I had a pretty good sleep last night. Thank god.

Work was crazy busy today. I was so stressed. But I guess the difference between a stressed out version of me in the past is I would just blame anyone around me like oh this was too slow or this person was doing this or doing that. But looking back on today, I didn’t do that. I didn’t feel the need to point the finger at others. The only thing I can control in the end is my reaction to the situation.

Oh this is a big deal for me and it’s still early stages but today is day 2 of not smoking. They say these kinds of things take 21 days and I want to make sure I can get there. Smoking was just starting to make me feel like shit anyway. The past two days, I have really craved a cigarette when I get home from work. At the start of today’s yoga session, I just felt so worked up, I could feel my blood boiling and I don’t even know at what. But I kept telling myself to just breathe and that this feeling will go away soon.

It felt like forever, it was just like this built up rage inside me wanting to get out. I had such the urge of wanting to release it. This is so messed up but I’m gonna be honest here… but there was a big part of me that just wanted to say some really shitty and hurtful things to anyone around me. But I told myself to just keep breathing and it’ll be ok. And sure enough, I was eventually calm.

I honestly hate the feeling of anger. If there’s a feeling that I hate more than anything, it is anger. Like, I’m a pretty strong person but anger is one emotion that just makes me so weak, man. I just become so self destructive, literally a ticking time bomb.

Yoga was great today. It’s importat for me to show up especially after such a stressful day and especially now that I’ve laid of the cigarettes.

I didn’t quite reach a deep meditation. Lately, I’ve been having so many thoughts during meditation but I just let them come and go, not forcing anything.

I think I’ve been pretty good and disciplined and I really wanted to reward myself. I’ve been looking at these lululemon leggings that I really want to get because I want a new pair of yoga leggings (well more like 5 new pairs). I usually reward myself with new books but I’ve gotta get through the ones I’m currently reading.

Anyway, I don’t know what else to talk about. Well, there is something else that’s kinda got me excited but I just wanna keep a lid on it for now and see where it goes. I’m trusting that the universe will not lead me astray.🙏🏽

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