I told myself a few months ago that perhaps 2020 will be a foundational year for me — a year of building a strong foundation.
It will literally be back to basics. I feel like I’m 24 again, rediscovering myself and my purpose in life. And this time it is with a more open and expanded mind.
Right now, I’m so happy to be alive and I just feel so… alive. It was not so long where I felt the total opposite.
You know Eckhart Tolle talks about it in the Power of Now. Before he became enlightened, he went through a period of depression and he tried to commit suicide. You know before the Buddha reached Nirvana, he went through a period of suffering (by choice). It’s like… sometimes for you to really get to the other side, you have to face adversity just to see how resilient you are.
Adversity, pain, suffering and discontentment are all hard to endure and are very confronting. Acknowledging and admitting to these things is just as confronting and discomforting, at least I believe so anyway. Perhaps at times when we become so familiar to the darker side of life, it becomes the norm and we accept it. At times there’s a kind of comfort in suffering because you know things will either stay the way it is and you’ve learned how to handle it, or things will look up and you start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
And by no means, am I saying I have reached enlightenment or Nirvana like Eckhart Tolle or the Buddha, I may never get there. And it’s not important for me to ever get there anyway. I say the above things purely through the story they have shared with my own interpretaton I can relate to.
I try and trace back key moments in my life of some of the things I’m now grateful for today. When I look back on the darkest days I’ve had to endure so far in my life, on the other side of those dark days are lessons, teachings and knowledge that have helped me when facing adversity.
Getting anxiety and panic disorder right at the start of my adulthood is such a shitty thing, man. Factoring all the external things prior to my anxiety such as my parents separating, external pressure, percieved pressure, and just growing up… trying to aid it with sleepless nights, a poor diet consisting of caffeine overload, overworking and just a really shitty lifestyle… yeah, no wonder why I ended up getting anxiety. There were times when my anxiety had total control over me. There were days when I was afraid to drive because I was scared I might crash (not on purpose but an accident might occur), days at work where I thought I would have a heart attack and I would die. I remember when I had the realisation that if anxiety had so much power over my mind that it could possibly make me imagine such terrible things, then I’m sure my mind had exactly the same power to think positively. Sure enough, I was right.
You know I try and think back to how I accidentally lived a relatively Stoic life in my mid 20’s. I think it was by accident. My sister was such a fitness junkie and whenever she had dragged me to work out with her — running laps around Kings Park, I always lagged behind until I had the secret motive of wanting to get fitter than her or just as fit. So, I excercised in my own time hoping that one day I would become fitter than her… sure enough it happened. And then my motive and intention became just to be fit and healthy. I remember when one of my ex’s and I broke up, I said to myself, I’m going to change my diet and lose weight and become super hot… that was the initial motive until I realised it was stupid and then my motive changed to just eat healthy because I wanted to be healthy… and sure enough, it happened. And journaling — well, it’s just something that I’ve always loved to do as far back as I can remember. The very first time I tried yoga was because I thought it would aesthetically fit the “image” I was trying to go for at the time. I realised that’s just stupid and I’m glad I now practice yoga with a more meaningful intention — well, you already know how much I love yoga and how I feel about it, and exactly why I practice it.
I’ve learned so much over the years but I know I have yet to master anything, not that I want to master anything in life. I’ve always said I can’t wait til I’m 30 so I can look back in my 20’s and think wow, wasn’t that some kind of journey. I know in two years time, I can fondly look back in my 20’s and be really content with the things I experienced, people who let me in their lives, memories that I may one day forget but to know I lived a colourful 20’s — one that was a total rollercoaster ride… it feels nice. But for now, I still have 1.3 years left until then. Who knows what interesting things life may throw at me during this timeframe.
Oh, it’s so cringey to say it but life is good.
Light and love.♥️🧘🏽♀️