07.12.19 — the last day of the retroshade

What a day, man.

I had to get up pretty early this morning cause I had to see the doctor. At this stage everything is ok but I have to see him again next Saturday. You know what? So last time I saw my doctor, he was like, alright in my records, it says you had an STI checkup at this date and you’re in a same-sex relationship. Anyway, he asked me to get some blood tests done this morning to check my iron and whatever else they check and he asked me, did you wanna do an STI blood test also? And I was like, nah I’ll skip that, I should definitely be free of any STI/STD’s. And he was like, yeah that’s fine, you’ve had the same partner for the last two years anyway. And then he’s like has your partner had something like this in the past? He was referring to my current dilemma that I have. And all I could say was… ahh no, she’s all good, she’s never had this problem before. I just decided to go along with it😂

I didn’t mention this in the previous post cause I try to refrain from talking about my ex too much even when the universe and people are constantly throwing reminders of her at me. My co-workers seem to have no problem of asking me, “How’s Ellie?” It doesn’t seem to phase me most of the time. At times, I don’t know really know how to answer them so I just ignore them. However on Thursday, one of the Korean girls was like “is your ex boyfriend Korean?” And I was like, yeah something like that. And she looked at me with these sad puppy eyes and she was like, “long distant relationships are hard, i think.” Like, completely oblivious to the fact that my ex and I were only long distance for parts of our relationship. I think it was just the look in her eyes that said it all — like no one had even looked at me with the kind of empathy she showed, like for once someone actually understood how devasted I felt inside despite my cool, calm and collected exterior. My eyes even swelled up and I had to quickly snap out of it and focus on my work to avoid an onslaught of tears. Man, it was hard.

So get this, I had to get some blood tests done this morning for a levels check up, they look at iron and whatever else. So the lady that did my blood test was like what are you doing this weekend? And I was like well I gotta go to this Xmas Lunch today and then tomorrow’s my mum’s birthday. Then the lady’s like, you know these days all I want for Xmas is a plant, even though I have so many already, and a lotto ticket. My appointment was at 9am this morning and while I was waiting for my doctor, I was writing down a list of the things I needed to get this morning because I had been thinking of what to get for my mum as a birthday and Xmas gift.

When the lady told me those things, I told her, you know what, that’s exactly what I’m getting for my mum. Whether she believed me or not is another thing but I was like damn it’s crazy how things can be so in-sync at times. Is there such thing as coincidence? What do you think? I don’t think there is. I truly believe when you become so in tuned, the universe just syncs up everything else.

Anyway, so after my appointment and my test, I got the plant and the lotto ticket, bought myself a new book and a set of oracle cards. I’m super excited to read this book. Buddhism has always been a religion that has really interested me and these oracle cards are super cute, man!

After the Xmas lunch today, I did yoga for 90 minutes. And omg I fell asleep during savasana again. I was just so relaxed. I woke up and meditated for 15 minutes. I read recently that after 8-12 weeks of daily meditation, your brain actually changes and you become more compassionate. I saw this post on IG this morning and I was like wow, ummm… it’s crazy because it’s true because I’ve seen it unfold within myself. I mean how many times have I mentioned the word compassion/compassionate in my posts? Meditation has really helped me become more in touched with my deepest cores. I always knew the real me was compassionate but it was a lot of work to get back there, a lot of constant reminding to squash the ego, a total re-wiring of my brain. And whilst I don’t get it right every single time, generally speaking, I have become more compassionate. I think the difference between when I was compassionate in my mid 20’s to now is that I didn’t have boundaries in my mid 20’s and I also wasn’t assertive enough. I was quite gullible back then. But now it’s nice to find a middle ground.

Anyway, I’m pretty keen to just chill out for the rest of the evening. It’s the last day of the retroshade. This year is almost over and something in my gut tells me, next year is gonna be amazing. It’s been a while since I felt like this. If someone told me 3 months ago that I would get to this point in such a short amount of time, I would’ve probably been lazy and not put so much work on adjusting myself. No one has to notice the difference I feel or the difference in the way I carry myself except for me and sometimes it’s hard being the only one to encourage and push myself but I did it and because I’m always so critical of myself, I’m literally my own biggest critic; for once I can say — I’m proud of myself. I have come a long way. Let’s keep it going.

Light and love♥️🧘🏽‍♀️

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