08.12.19 — I’m sorry.

I’m exhausted.

It was my mum’s birthday today. We didn’t do anything major but it was nice to spend the day with her and my little brother. It was my sister’s bf’s birthday yesterday. She rang me up last night crying saying she totally forgot it was his birthday (how?) but she admitted she was more upset and crying because she didn’t really care.

You know a while ago, maybe a month ago and she was telling me it’s easier for the person that ended the relationship to move on faster and I totally disagreed with her. I just told her, well, I don’t think so because the person who ends the relationship will constantly question themselves whether it was the right decision or not. I kinda just wanted to ask her — if it’s easy then why haven’t you left your boyfriend yet? Like it was only a couple of months ago you had your mind made up about leaving but it’s been 3 months and you still haven’t left.

You know, I always think about how hard it was to leave Korea and come back home. In a lot of ways, sometimes I think I still love my ex now but it’s not such a possessive kinda love. It was kinda like… I should just let you be yourself while I try and find myself again. It was fucking hard. For me leaving might have seemed selfish like I was just thinking about myself but I think it was the most selfless thing I could have done.

I told myself that if my ex never wanted to get back with me again, it was something beyond my control and all I could do was just try and make myself happy again. And to be honest, I don’t think I’m the only one who feels at a lost here. My gut tells me my ex probably feels the same. Well, unless she feels she’s totally happy without me and better off without me — if that’s the case then… good on her. But I’m not her and my story’s different. And I can admit to things like missing her and wanting her back because it’s the truth and there’s no point in denying how one feels.

Man, I held onto it so tightly probably because I didn’t know how to handle the intensity of the love and passion that I felt towards her. Sometimes I get scared thinking about feeling the same intensity of love when I get into a relationship again. I question myself, well what if I become possesive again? What if I become too controlling again? What if jealousy gets the better of me again? To my ex it looked I didn’t trust her but I knew deep down inside it wasn’t a trust issue. I knew I trusted her but perhaps I didn’t have any trust in myself.

I know I’m a different person now and I know 100% that when/if I feel that same intense passion towards someone, I feel confident that I’ll be able to channel it in healthier ways rather than being insecure and making the relationship a toxic one.

I think I made the right decision because I don’t think I could’ve changed if I had stayed. I tried so hard, trust me. I hated when my ex would say that I couldn’t change which meant I didn’t love her. No, I loved her so much, too much. For me — I couldn’t change because a) she said i could never change. b) because I found it hard to focus on my own wellbeing as well trying to focus on hers at the same time. When we broke up, she told me “you don’t know why we broke up.” Which left me totally confused because we obviously have our own versions of why the relationship ended. Which makes me think that she probably thought I ended it on an impulse. No, I think the breakup was already decided, it was just unfolding and then it really happened.

Trust me when I say that it was not easy for me to leave. Trust me when I say that moving on has not been easy or I’m moving on faster. I’m not keeping score when there’s no war to be won.

Anyway… so, I don’t think it’s easy for both people when relationships end. That’s all I can say. Who moves on faster or moves on first isn’t a competition anyway, that’s just an ego thing. If my ex is dating someone new already — then good on her. I mean yeah, it would kinda be a bitter-sweet feeling for me like, hey, i miss you but you’re dating someone new now but if you’re happy then you should just do what makes you happy.

Ok well… Enough of that…

Today… I did yoga for 90 minutes, worked on my upper body strength by incorporating some planche work — god it is frikken hard. But it still blows my mind away what the body can do. I meditated for 10 minutes and then ran for 2kms and nearly died😂

Ahhh I hate December because I can save very little money during this month but I’m determined to get back on track once the new year comes around. I literally spent my weeks salary this weekend😩But I set a goal and I can still reach my goal by the end of the year!😜

I was trying to do a tarot reading last night. I’m kinda starting to memorise what all the cards mean, but I feel like each card can mean different things depending on the other cards it’s surrounded by. It was fun though. I hell love watching this one channel on youtube cause she mainly does readings for Pisces and it always leaves me speechless. She’s so good at it!!! Actually there’s another channel I love, her style of readings is so rad — it’s Stargirl the Practical Witch.

I really wanna watch a bit of Hotel Deluna tonight. I think this is the longest it’s taken me to get through a drama. I try not to binge watch but kinda alternate between reading/netflix/youtube.

Ahhh, I’m outta here. I’m feeling so relaxed thanks to meditation.


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