12.12.19 — “leave people better than you found them”♥️

This ought to be long…

A few things to cover:

First of all, I fell asleep during savasana today. I think it was only for 5 minutes but I felt extremely tired and a bit low on energy and it could just be with the food I ate today. I didn’t have my usual salad at work but I made sure to go to the farmer’s market after work to stock up on veggies and fruit so I could enjoy a nice, healthy salad for dinner tonight and have a nice, healthy salad for work tomorrow.

I don’t know how long I did yoga for today — maybe 90 minutes? I worked on my bakasana today and I’ve improved alot, being able to hold the pose for much longer and I guess I’ve gained more strength in my arms and upper body. I meditated just then for 17 minutes and man the time flew by. I didn’t quite reach a deep meditation but I’m feeling pretty good now.

I didn’t sleep til maybe 9:30pm last night. I always have a lot on my mind but for the past few nights now, I’ve done this thing where I take a few deep breaths and just try to let go of every thought I have and I’ve had the most amazing sleep. It has been incredibly hot lately so the fact that I’ve been sleeping well just amazes me.

You know I take back every plan I’ve made for next year including uni. Actually that was the only plan I had made for next year. I really don’t know what I want to do at this stage and it’s fine with me. I’ll figure it out. I will know when the time comes. When it all takes place, whatever my soul gravitates to — I’ll take action but for now I don’t know what my soul is gravitating towards to but I know it won’t lead me astray. For the time being, I’m just going to keep working on my foundation.

I had the craziest dream last night. I searched the meaning and apparently it means “things are going to change drastically.” I think things have already changed drastically. I have changed, my circumstances have changed. A lot of things have changed. If there’s anything constant in life — it is changed.

I know it’s all part of the process but today I feel a sense of gratitude towards my most recent relationship. I look back on it now and realised how confronting it was for me. And that perhaps that’s exactly what I needed at that point in my life.

There’s this scene in Orange is the new Black where Piper Chapman says…”I met parts of myself lurking inside me that I didn’t even know were in there. And it was like 4% of my life but it was enough to change absolutely everything.”

That’s exactly how I feel. I didn’t know I could be or was the kind of person I was while I was in that relationship. I didn’t know those parts of me existed deep inside. I didn’t acknowledge them. I didn’t work through them or try to resolve them when I had the chance. And ultimately I failed as a partner. I don’t want to blame time. I now know the areas I failed in. But these are lessons I take with me going forward.

You know, I just wanna say my ex gave me the chance to change. And I tried and failed… many times. But even long after we broke up, I didn’t give up on trying to change.

So… I’m grateful for my ex for making me realise all the shitty things wrong with me. It was a hard pill to swallow but it’s brought me to this moment and right now, I’m content with the person I have become.


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