29.12.19 — a few things.

Here already…

A few things on my mind to release. First of all since I’m here everyday, it’s a good opportunity to practice gratitude so three things I’m grateful for today:

  1. Yoga and meditation
  2. Family
  3. Solitude

My period came early again. It came this morning. It’s 3 days early. I don’t know why my period has shifted into a 24 day cycle rather than a 28 day cycle. I wish it was a bit longer than that but I don’t know. Maybe my body is still trying to adjust with all these changes I’ve made in the last 3 or so months.

I just did 90 minutes of yoga. It was what I really needed. I started with a 10 minute meditation just to ground myself and just get rid of excess stuff. I ended yoga today working on my bakasana. I was trying to go from crow to crane. It. Is. So. Hard. Omg. It’s really next level. I know the key isn’t to shift your entire weight on your wrists and that the core is super important in the crane pose but man, it is so damn hard. I think for now, I’ll just work on holding the crow pose for at least half a minute before I try the crane pose.

You know I was looking at this chicks insta today and she had this long ass post about when she was 18 and all this shit that went down. It’s a classic story of: life turns shit > take the easy way out > die > born again. I know that sounds like some story taken from the bible but when I say die, no one’s really physically dying.

But it kinda took me back to when I was reading The Power of Now. When Eckhart Tolle contemplated suicide.

And it’s like, if not everybody than most people go through a period of like dying inside. Like, really nearing your edge… rock bottom… whatever you wanna call it. When you flirt with the idea of death in a physical sense — it’s not really so much so the physical reality of death that no one is afraid of — is it? Like we rot in a coffin or we turn into ashes, that’s what happens in a physical aspect. But it’s not that that we are scared of — it’s what happens to our souls, our spirit. Only the ego is scared of death really.

But I was thinking, like, I’ve seen many people die and ressurrect to come to a point where they’ve reincarnated to their highest self. I’m not religious by any means although I’m probably speaking in this way because I have spent the last few months revisiting the Bible.

You know in the Bible, the act of surrendering is to put your faith in ‘God’. You know God will be your guidance etc. And you know people find solace in being able to believe in something greater and bigger than themselves. It’s part of human nature, I think. In Buddhism, they say the root of suffering is attachment. You know you’re gonna suffer regardless of what you’re attached to. So the act of surrendering is to really let go of any attachments.

But back to that girl’s story — she suffered depression, lost family members to cancer, was in a toxic relationship, turned to substance abuse… I’m not saying her story doesn’t matter because it matters a lot but there’s a lot of stories out there exactly like this. You know, like with the same morality. I’m not saying one story is more important than another or the severity of one’s adversity is a measurement on how important the story is — my point is many people come to a point in their lives where their soul nearly dies or maybe it did. Their bodies are still in tact but their soul, their spirit… I mean I don’t know what really happens to it. But then they come to a point of surrendering. You know the act of surrendering sounds so… it sounds like you’ve been defeated, you know? It sounds like giving up and like ultimately that is exactly what it is — in the greatest way possible because you’re letting go of all the excess — all the shitty things from the past, all the worries you have for the future.

You know we always come to a point of love. With love comes kindness, forgiveness, compassion, gratitude… so many good things. And love always comes from within (because our hearts are inside of us, duh). Yeah you could say well we had to be biologically engineered this way in order to survive but I don’t know☺️🤷🏽‍♀️

All I can say is… surrender.


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