20.01.20

Ok… maybe my life purpose is just to “help”… guide… assist… aid… somewhere along those lines. Because I don’t know how many times I’ve said the sentence “I’m happy to help.” I have said it that many times recently.

The thing is — I really am happy to help. When people ask for my help or assistance, it makes me feel good. Not just in a egotistical way but in a way that helping others leaves me feeling self fulfilled. Like, I’m happy to help without expecting anything in return. I’m happy to help under no conditions whatsoever. Because I have so much pride when it comes to getting things done for others. I’d like to think that I’m reliable and efficient and can be counted on when I’m asked to do something.

Yoga was a bit weird today. It’s nearly that time of the month… again. And I just felt a bit overwhelmed. Overthinking… again. Though these moments rarely last. I cried as I was stretching but felt so much better afterwards, I kindly remind myself to let go of everything… everyday.

Today I also realised I have zero interest in no one. I thought for a second I was interested in someone but after having this long conversation with this guy at work today, I realised I’m not interested in anyone. I’m nowhere near ready to date or even mingle with others. I want this time for myself. And I wanna stick by the promise I made to myself, that is to not chase or initiate anything with anyone. If someone wants me, they can come forward and say it or show it… consistently. And if I’m interested, I’ll reciprocate, otherwise I’m not wasting anyone’s time and not letting anyone waste my time. And I don’t say this out of disappoint and hurt or because I’ve always done the chasing in the past. I just want someone to really be like, ok let’s do this. I feel like I’ve always been tested in past relationships and it’s just like… I don’t have time for that. I feel like my integrity, my loyalty, my patience is always put through a series of tests. Either we’re in it for the long haul and we overcome every challenge as a couple and by overcome I mean actual determination to fix any issues. I don’t just enter a relationship with the next person who tells me they’re interested in me. Like, if you don’t wanna be with me for the rest of your life, go find someone else because I don’t want a relationship, I want a life partner.

My next relationship will be my last relationship, I know this because I will work so hard to get it right. And I don’t mean get the relationship to the idealistic standards I have set in my head, but I mean a relationship with a real fucking solid foundation with someone who either has their shit together or is willing to get their shit together. So, I’m not going to rush into anything with anyone anytime soon because this is the rest of our lives I’m talking about. And we got alotta time to get things right.

♥️🧘🏽‍♀️

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