11.05.21 — it’s been a while…

My confidence is shot, my self-esteem is shot. This is the result of seeking validation from external sources. And for some reason, I’ve been choosing to wallow in self-pity.

Last month, I skipped meditation for 11 days and this month, I’ve managed to dodge it 6 times already. Consistency means a lot to me and when things are inconsistent, my frustration sets in. But I’ve learnt to not beat myself up for it, I remind myself that it’s alright, there’s always room for improvement; there’s always room for more growth.

Times I feel like this, I know I always have to go back to the fundamentals, the basics. It takes so much discipline out of me to constantly pick myself back up just to avoid numbing myself or suppressing what’s on the surface, as well as what’s happening on a deeper level. But I think that’s been the story of my life, constantly going back to the basics.

I meditated today to take a breather, to unclog my mind, to remind myself to purely focus on the now and what’s in front of me because my problems are the result of some extremely irrational thoughts that manifested into irrational behaviour and self-defeating defence mechanisms. My problems are nowhere near as problematic compared the man with a 7 year old daughter with a very rare chromosome disorder, or the elderly lady nearing the end of her life.

Being present as often as possible whilst simultaneously trying to process and examine and unpack all the demons I have placed on the backburner is turning out to be one of my biggest challenges. But it’s of great importance that I engage in this process even if it’s uncomfortable and super fucking confronting.


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