23.05.21

Since Freud has been of so much focus this semester. It has definitely made me look deeper into my childhood. I just did a journal entry which started of with my feelings of jealousy. So I looked deeper into it and the deeper I got… well, it lead me back to my childhood. I do agree that this is one of several things Freud actually got right.

The feelings of jealousy that I experience links back to my step father. His growing criticism started to make me feel inadequate as if I wasn’t good enough. I started of as an overachiever in school and then that quickly declined as I felt like I would no longer make my parents proud. Because I didn’t know any better as a child, I just assumed that the criticism defined my worth. So that eventuated in me always feeling like I had to prove my worth, that I am good enough.

The feeling of jealousy that I experience is always present with the feeling of threat. Like someone could be “better” than me. Even if someone were “better” than me, it didn’t mean that I wasn’t good enough, it just meant someone was better and that’s ok. It doesn’t determine my self worth. Only I can determine my self worth.

The internal feelings of threat and the self belief I had determined for myself was translated externally as jealousy and a need for control.

This is becoming quite overwhelming. I think I need to reset and revisit the rest of this at a later time.

🧘🏽‍♀️♥️

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