“I want you, I don’t know if I need you but I’d die to find out.” 

Fucking Savage Garden.

She will probably break my heart. But I shouldn’t think that far ahead. But if it does come to that, I will always know what to do. Always.

My best friend took me to this secret cave a couple of months ago. During our trek to the cave, we came across what she told me were Death Lilies. On our way back to the car, she dug up a little Death Lily plant and gave it to me. I took it home and I’ve been keeping a close eye on it since.

I was a bit sad a couple of weeks cause I noticed it had withered. I went outside just then to check it and to my surprise it has come to life.

I couldn’t help but smile to myself and realise just how much the lily represented this current chapter of my life.

I was completely lost after coming back from that U.S roadtrip. I thought I had it all planned out but turns out I didn’t. Or maybe I did but I needed a shift in attitude and perspective. After all when I looked at it from an outsiders perspective, everything seemed to be working out.

Two things I need to remember:

1. Patience

2. Discipline

I recieved this super sweet message the other night. It’s got me thinking about how people percieve you in a certain light. It made me laugh at how someone could think I’d have it so together. I’m not sure what it would be to give that indication. I can sort of come up with a small list on why or what it could be.

I guess externally everything is all well and good. I can see that myself. But my mind is… somewhere else.

The most lost I’ve ever felt is when I’ve been at a crossroads. But right now, I’m so lost I find myself asking questions like who am I? What makes me happy?

I’m a bit unsure at the moment on what I want to do in life or what makes me happy apart from family and nature. Music would usually be in that list too but I despise it right now. That’s a first and a good indication that something is not right.

I’ve been planning to get away the last few days. Thinking about going on a roadtrip up north next weekend. Except I don’t even know what I’m trying to get away from. I sort of just feel like being alone in nature.

I look at my life from an outsiders perspective and I think yeah everything is good. But my mind is in such a dark place, it’s like none of that stuff really matters, whether they were good or bad, it doesn’t change what’s going on in my mind.

I just want it to go away. Like, right now if there is actually one thing that’s keeping me alive — it’s the will to get through this. 

Sometimes you have to go back to the basics. It’s better to take on a task when you’re at you’re best.

I’ve been paying close attention to my reactions the past couple of weeks especially because I haven’t been putting much time towards breathing and stretching, my diet and exercise.

Today I decided I need to go back to the basics. My body and my mind just feels so… I’m not sure but I don’t enjoy it. It doesn’t feel like me.

Today I won’t put so much pressure or stress on myself. I need to tell myself it’s ok if today isn’t going to be all that productive. I think I just want to spend the majority of today catching up on yoga, and breathing.