20.01.20

Ok… maybe my life purpose is just to “help”… guide… assist… aid… somewhere along those lines. Because I don’t know how many times I’ve said the sentence “I’m happy to help.” I have said it that many times recently.

The thing is — I really am happy to help. When people ask for my help or assistance, it makes me feel good. Not just in a egotistical way but in a way that helping others leaves me feeling self fulfilled. Like, I’m happy to help without expecting anything in return. I’m happy to help under no conditions whatsoever. Because I have so much pride when it comes to getting things done for others. I’d like to think that I’m reliable and efficient and can be counted on when I’m asked to do something.

Yoga was a bit weird today. It’s nearly that time of the month… again. And I just felt a bit overwhelmed. Overthinking… again. Though these moments rarely last. I cried as I was stretching but felt so much better afterwards, I kindly remind myself to let go of everything… everyday.

Today I also realised I have zero interest in no one. I thought for a second I was interested in someone but after having this long conversation with this guy at work today, I realised I’m not interested in anyone. I’m nowhere near ready to date or even mingle with others. I want this time for myself. And I wanna stick by the promise I made to myself, that is to not chase or initiate anything with anyone. If someone wants me, they can come forward and say it or show it… consistently. And if I’m interested, I’ll reciprocate, otherwise I’m not wasting anyone’s time and not letting anyone waste my time. And I don’t say this out of disappoint and hurt or because I’ve always done the chasing in the past. I just want someone to really be like, ok let’s do this. I feel like I’ve always been tested in past relationships and it’s just like… I don’t have time for that. I feel like my integrity, my loyalty, my patience is always put through a series of tests. Either we’re in it for the long haul and we overcome every challenge as a couple and by overcome I mean actual determination to fix any issues. I don’t just enter a relationship with the next person who tells me they’re interested in me. Like, if you don’t wanna be with me for the rest of your life, go find someone else because I don’t want a relationship, I want a life partner.

My next relationship will be my last relationship, I know this because I will work so hard to get it right. And I don’t mean get the relationship to the idealistic standards I have set in my head, but I mean a relationship with a real fucking solid foundation with someone who either has their shit together or is willing to get their shit together. So, I’m not going to rush into anything with anyone anytime soon because this is the rest of our lives I’m talking about. And we got alotta time to get things right.

♥️🧘🏽‍♀️

Trauma Informed Yoga

I was just reading about the coolest thing.

It’s called trauma informed yoga.

Now, from the book I really want to read — Bessel van der Kolk explains that… “trauma is not just an event that took place; it is also the imprint left by that experience on mind, brain and body.”

This is why yoga is so important and the greatest and most wonderful tool I have ever come across my whole entire life. I know that sounds dramatic and exaggerated but yogis and yoginis would agree, I’m sure. And yeah, yoga ultimately is a tool.

You don’t show up on the mat to do yoga, you show up on the mat to have an experience. That’s what I mean by yoga is just the tool.

It makes perfect sense how yoga can be used to overcome trauma.

Again, in yoga, it’s the connection of the body and the mind. Through asanas and pranayama practices… Asana is the “meditative seat”. The position in which people meditate. And Pranayama is the breath, it’s breath control.

I’ve said many times before that breathing is such an important aspect in yoga. In Vinyasa yoga (the kind of yoga I practice), ideally you move with your breath. So, you inhale in one position and the exhale while you flow into the next position.

When you’re focusing on the breath and the movement and you’re so focused on “moving with the breath”, it is in these moments, it is the easiest, or rather the best time to surrender. It’s in these moments, you are fully present. Sometimes you don’t even realise it until you’ve finished yoga and suddenly your mind goes back to a hundred miles an hour. But it’s through the practice of yoga, you become more self aware. What you learn on the mat, you can apply it off the mat.

So when you’re consistently learning to surrender and let go by doing yoga, it’s easier to have that self awareness outside of yoga and you let things go in the real world.

You know yoga is like stepping into a room with God. God tells you all these things you have to do as soon as you go outside of the room and back into the real world. Now in the real world, it’s not just you and God, it’s everybody else and everything else too.

When you’re inside that room, there are very few things you have control over. It’s exactly the same as soon as you step outside of that room.

You have control over your breath, you have control over your attitude meaning you can choose from A or B, A or B, A or B… constantly… will you respond or will you react? That kinda thing. If someone is rude to you, will you be rude back to them or let it go?

Ahhh yoga… I can’t even. Yoga fills me up with love. That’s all I can really say.

♥️🧘🏽‍♀️

19.01.20

Oh, I just realised my period is due in like a weeks time, holy cow. No wonder I’ve been feeling a bit err lately but it actually hasn’t been that bad. I’ve been feeling pretty good. Just craving sweets and my body’s being a bit weird. I’ve been sleeping pretty well though, which is great.

I’ve just done yoga for the day. February 4th will mark 100 days of consecutive yoga. I will talk about it at a later time how it’s made me feel and how much has changed within me after 100 days of yoga. It’s pretty incredible to be honest.

Anyway, I’m in the mood to play a bit o’ guitar.

♥️🧘🏽‍♀️

fine lines

I feel guilty for feeling fine,
For feeling happy,
For being ok,
For having options,
Offers made to me,
Being myself,
Getting it right,
Working so hard to get where I am now mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically.
Having so much attention,
Praise,
Compliments,
Being noticed,
Having confidence,
Being brave,
Guilty for knowing this is all my own doing.
Guilty for committing to myself.
Guilty for knowing my worth now that even at my worst, I could still love myself unconditionally.
Guilty for having learnt my lessons.

But I’m letting go of this guilt today and instead I choose to be compassionate.
I wish nothing but love, wealth and inner peace for you.
♥️🧘🏽‍♀️

18.01.20

I just finished yoga. It was light yoga work today.

I think I just wanna read a book to finish off today. I feel a bit uneasy.

I finally caught up with one of my besties today. She’s not in the greatest “condition” at the moment. It’s hard seeing people you care about suffer. It’s easy to dish out advice and be like oh you should do this and do that but everybody’s got their own journey. All I can really do is be there for her.

I’ve been reading about Buddhism lately. I find that it always teaches me something new or sometimes it makes me understand things I couldn’t understand well before.

Anyway, I’ll keep this short.

♥️🧘🏽‍♀️